Friday, January 1, 2010
my mum made a ton of lamb chops, salad, roast potatoes, tabouleh, pasta and a LOT of pie (especially for my brother) and we had a noisy, messy, happy relaxed new year's day dinner.
it was the perfect start to 2010. i wish i'd thought of that while it was happening.
in fact, i am amazed at how many really momentous events i've experienced while not really being there.
yes, as oprah or dr phil or one of those inspiring people would say, i was not "in the moment." i was dreading my chemo on monday - i swear my veins start hurting in advance. nerves start shorting out in my neck and head. i even feel a bit sick. also, i normally get my toxins on friday.
and i was also still winding down from my crazy hectic new year's eve.
made a huge number of mistakes. let sasha host a new year's eve party in the office. i asked her for all sorts of organizational details in advance - a guest list, someone to act as bouncer, a strict no-alcohol and no-smoking policy and only 15 people in the space at a time.
of course, it all went out the window - the party had about 30 kids crammed in there by 10:30, with very little controls on who went in and out and 15 more out on the sidewalk smoking (at least, they weren't smoking inside) and drinking bottles of beer out of paperbags.
fortunately, my mum - having been a high school art teacher in her past - stepped up the pressure and kicked out a bunch of kids who weren't actually friends and told people off for drinking and by 1:30, we shut the party down.
next, zarina spent the night at a friend's house, where the mum had told me she would be home but it turned out she was not, her friends provided drinks and zarina ended up "sick" being picked up by dad after midnight.
thus the day today was spent with my ex calling/texting/emailing to tell me how i was too strict with my daughters thus driving them to drink and inequity
and zarina was texting to say how much she hated me.
and my mum telling me how i was so lax with them that she could guarantee they would all come to a sorry end and if only i had listened to her growing up, i wouldn't be such a loser.
and i found myself standing under the shower like i had this fall, thinking, "i just want to dissolve. i don't want to be here any more."
so i spent the rest of the day fighting with myself. trying to find something of value in my foggy melting soul that seemed worth saving because last time i wanted to check out, i got cancer.
perhaps i am a sucky mum - and i haven't worked in months so god knows if i'm any good at that - but i don't know if i want to be told it. i am good at battering my ego myself.
if i don't remember that there is something good about me in the world then i won't choose to be here.
i was worried sick about my daughters and searching for why i should still be here
and i missed the party all together.
except for the video.