my body betrays me

talking to a friend today about her cancer and thinking about why i was so irritated about what's happening.

i've been lucky.

after a low point in adolescence, my body has served me well. i'm energetic. i had three relatively easy pregnancies and births. i'm athletic and relatively well-proportioned. my weight is generally stable. i recover quickly from illnesses.

we have a good relationship. in exchange, i treat my bag of bones well. i eat healthy food, mostly vegetables, rarely meat. i go to bed early. i don't smoke or drink or use drugs.

until now. i seem to have a disease in which the cure is almost worse than the curse. the lasting effects of the chemotherapy and the threat of future cancers mean that i will live with it every day for the rest of my life.

so i will recover. that is for sure.

i could feel it in pilates today, how quickly my muscles kicked back in. i am fragile, slightly dizzy and a little spaced-out but my body remembered everything.

my human form is still vital. though my eyes are so swollen up as to be unrecognizable in the mirror as i exercise.

i will recover.

but my way of life and my body will never be the same.