home from chemo

my doctor as usual was being all cagey about the chemo, the disease and the treatment plan.

it's frustrating because she is constantly changing the information she gives me.

i showed her the book i had on my cancer, trophoblastic disease, and she was dismissive. i asked her why my hands were turning black and she said, "oh, this kind of chemo could also make your tongue black."

i told her that i noticed that this part of my chemo - the outpatient session - was physically much harder than the in-hospital one. the nausea and the exhaustion was much worse, especially two days afterwards.

and she said, "oh yes, it would be. this is much harder. and the reason you feel so much worse two days later is because all the pre-meds we give you wear off in 72 hours."

i am wondering why my treatment is never explained to me unless i ask. no details. no advance warnings. it's a sort of shut-up-and-do-what-you're-told approach.

so then i told her about a few other oncologists i had spoken to, especially one i'd like to see who practices integrative oncology, working with vitamins, supplements and music therapy. i asked what she thought. she said, "oh, some people like him. some people don't."

anyway, soraya came with me and helped me drag myself home in a fog of nausea and spacey-ness from all the pre-meds.

lying like a zombie on the mat until zarina stamped in the front door in a temper and threw a tantrum that she was being grounded (on a school night?)and it was so unfair.

this eventually disintegrated into her telling me she hated me and wanted me out of her life and then walking out the door.

fortunately, she went to her safe haven, her dad's house. where he will tell me not to be so hard on her.

sasha and jahanara are still here calmly doing homework.

some more ginger, arnica on my bones - my white blood cell count is dangerously off, which accounts for the cold, i guess - and off to bed.

thanks for listening.