Monday, January 11, 2010


very relieved it's over.

super-tired right now. nauseated. and irritated because i had a fledging nurse and she jabbed me a few times before she got the right vein and ended up bruising one really badly as she pulled the iv in and out. my veins are such a commodity right now, it's a drag when a good one gets ruined.

my doctor was super-apologetic and nervous. she was trembling a bit when she walked into her surgery. and at one point, her eyes filled with tears and i felt bad for her.

i confronted her with a load of questions and research and she agreed to reduce and eventually phase out the steroids. but when the questions got too close, she admitted she had no answers. "this is an imperfect process, but it's all we have now."

she had no real evidence that if i quit chemo i would die.

but here's one thing i've discovered - once you start chemo, you kill your body's own defenses - it's like antibiotics. so if you quit while there is the slightest bit of cancer or infection remaining, your body can no longer fight it off.

also, it starts by suppressing the disease. as it kills, it suppresses and suppresses - a bit like a plunger - with the goal that eventually, it will push it all down the drain.

but if you pull it up too fast, the fear is that the disease will be supercharged and take over again.

if the cancer/infection allows you to wait a few days to take stock of the situation, think twice before you start chemo or antiobiotics. look into serious options - ideally, supervised by someone who understands your illness (don't just go into the desert and pray, unless you are highly evolved) - before you get sucked into the machinery of the hospital.

anyway, i am tired tired tired again. the lack of steroids did wreck me, but the ginger worked well on the nausea.

and my friend shandana durrani came over to hang out with the amazons. she likes them and they like her. makes me feel relieved.

bed now.

1 comment:

  1. and i like you, too! i'll email you my sister's number. she's busy during the week but you could probably call her one evening or on the weekends. she's very calm, patient and knowledgeable. you remind me of her. :-)