oh well

i had convinced myself that the cancer was absolutely gone and i didn't need any more chemo.

was suddenly imagining entire weeks where my energy levels just kept getting better. thinking i'd be swimming laps again.

i called the doctor's office this morning at 9 am and left a message with the secretary.

then again at 12:47. the secretary told me they weren't in yet.

so, like a stalker, i called again 2. the secretary told me they'd call as soon as they got the results.

so all day, i was cross and anxious and pacing the floor. i'd been arguing with my dad about why i didn't need a hysterectomy.

and i even broke down and put some parmesan on my gluten-free pasta with broccoli rabe (sweetly homemade by my worried friend zia). i ate a dark-chocolate-covered almond.

i was waiting to hear that my blood hormone levels, the ones that tell you how much cancer is left in my body would be zero. or at least around 5, which is normal.

just to give you idea, when i went into hospital on november 20, they were 189,000.

anyway, after my first round of chemo, they dropped to 48,620, on the next 12,573, then 2047.

so like 15 year-old girl waiting for a boy to call, i was irritable and in limbo.

i kept checking my cell phone, every five minutes, even took it into the bathroom when i was in the shower, so i could jump out and answer it, just in case.

though when she finally called back, i was on the phone with my mum telling her to stop being so negative because the cancer was almost gone and that i was no longer interested in discussing hysterectomies with her.

the phone message - delivered in an upbeat, irish voice - "your levels are going down very nicely! it's 137."

i should be overjoyed about that number, the doctors seems to feel it's miraculous. but i'm so sad. it's not over.

that means at the very least, two to four more weeks of chemo.

at my next doctor's appointment, i am going to see how i can bring this to an end sooner. not sure how many more toxic chemicals i can take...