Sunday, February 7, 2010
it's overwhelming. i look at my sweatshirt that i wear in hospital and i feel sick. i smell vegetables and my stomach turns over. i talk about my next doctor's appointment and i can barely speak.
after changing my diet and eating all organic, tons of fresh vegetables, no sugar, no caffeine, no dairy, no animal products, no wheat - i now eat anything that doesn't make me gag. sometimes that includes sugar. generally, it's toast.
it's funny because upset stomach was never an issue for me. a bit in early pregnancy but i was never a throwing-up person. i rarely get food poisoning or stomach flu. i used to joke that i could eat stones with lemon and chilies on them in the nightmarket in bangkok and feel perfectly fine.
now nausea is my constant companion.
it fogs my vision, muffles my hearing. makes my neck and shoulders ache from the tension of trying to hold it together.
i can't even watch that video of my last trip to hospital. as i was downloading it, i noticed that my eyes are swollen to two different sizes, my skin is dry and cracking on my body and i have a rash on my cheeks.
last week, i had shooting pains in my feet and fingers. it's changed to lack of sensation in my fingertips and toes. it's a drag because i drop things and burn my fingers when i am cooking dinner.
illness is a funny thing. you know how old people can be so grouchy? i am now one of those bad-tempered, excessively sensitive (to noise and movement) and hypercautious sick people. i panic when rara leaves the house without a hat on a cold day. i hyperventilate if sasha or zarina are out and they don't text me back within a few minutes. if someone puts glass too near the edge of the table, i have to grab it.
i imagine the worst in every situation.
along with the nausea, it feels like everything is on a downhill rollercoaster going way too fast.
yesterday, i went to watch rara in her school play. sixty kids singing onstage and i could barely hear it, i couldn't see properly and my mouth tasted like sour metal.
i ended up sitting in the hallway sobbing my head off and freaking out kids who were hurrying out for costume changes.
last week, my doctor said, "you're cured! the cancer's gone! now it's just four more weeks of this..."
i thought, "if it's even ONE more night like last night, i'd rather just risk the cancer."
better stop thinking about it. it's making me sick.