spinning

"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance." - Confucius

yesterday morning (after bleeding so much the night before that despite 3 pads and a wad of paper towels, i came home with blood squashing in my boots), i was so wrecked i could barely get out of bed.

the current diagnosis thrown in my (emotionally irresponsible) ob-gyn is uterine cancer. which weirdly, i don't believe. in fact, i don't believe i have cancer at all. i have decided that it is mind over matter. if i believe i'm well, i will be.

so when the amazons went to school, i sat down at the computer to look at the mid-term school reports to prepare myself for the parent-teacher meetings on friday. i started with sasha. one teacher after another said she didn't turn in her homework assignments. she didn't participate in class.

my head started throbbing. we've had learning diagnostics, psychological help, tutors four days a week - all this stuff i am saving pennies to afford - and sasha keeps saying she has already finished her homework. she chats with her friends online til midnight and then says she is so exhausted in the morning she has to drink coffee and it makes her dizzy. last night i just unplugged the internet at 10pm.

but they were all complaining that they had homework to do online and needed to access websites.

add that to toby biting sasha's face on sunday - someone suggested a dog trainer - my car still being in the shop, my bank accounts all overdrawn and my credit cards maxed out and i got so dizzy i could barely catch my breath.

last night at dinner, i tried to ask sasha what her reasons were. of course, the answers were all the same excuses i've heard over and over again - i turned the assignment in late, the teacher wasn't paying attention, the teacher doesn't like me, i asked for help but no one helped me.

i probably should have been filming but i am at a loss. any child psychologists here? maybe she DOES need ritalin. but i hate giving my kids drugs.

15 minutes of meditation before i went to meet adam fuss at bubby's - hoping for some clarity - and suddenly so nauseated i couldn't eat more than a few bites of broccoli.

time to finish washing the breakfast dishes, making beds, clearing up.