thoughts on ageing

a friend came over on the spur of the moment the other night. an older guy, very sweet, but someone who always makes me a bit uncomfortable because he is constantly making lewd references and sexual jokes.

i was thinking that he looked surprisingly well since the last time i saw him.

he is a very kind and helpful person to all sort of different people, loyal and good-willed to the bone.

but i still don't like hanging around with him unless there is someone else there to deflect or attract his attention.

the amazons all immediately left the room moments after he arrived.

i was thinking that that kind of behaviour in young guy - adolescent or early 20s - is sweet and charming and a bit silly. but once one has crossed the threshold of 27 or so, a running streak of innuendo is unseemly.

almost ridiculously so.

i was thinking how often i - at my advanced age & with my cougar predilections - cross the line of discomfort.

occasionally, some guy will be flirting with me and, when i bat the banter back, i notice i miss the mark. and i am not sure why.

perhaps i need to learn some new rules.

not to say that older women are not sexy - but how do we define that sexy?

what space does it live in?

i remember being somewhat horrified about the pictures of madonna in her sex book, dressed in pigtails in a gingham dress. there is something unsettling about mutton dressed as lamb.

french women seem to do it well - all glossy red lipstick and decolletage - and irresistible laughter.

indian women, well, we age well - physically - but we tend to either fade politely into the woodwork as we get older. or become hardcore brazen, making out in public and seemingly more louche than elegant.

it is even harder when one's not married, because presumably, one is still "on the market" - and how do you telegraph that without being too obvious?

and more so - how do you do it with dignity? i want to set a good example, a self-respecting model for the amazons. with teenage daughters watching (and pointing out all my missteps), i live with a reverb. a funhouse mirror reflection of every action.

wondering how to find the balance.