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Saturday, June 27, 2020
How a Sufi and Healer survives the shutdown and thoughts on Juneteenth
Thursday, April 2, 2020
The C-Word: Recalibration, Reconnection and Revitalization
My oldest daughter, Sasha, said to us this morning, "Hey, corona virus is over."
Both my youngest daughter, Rara, and myself stared at her. We were in the vast emptiness and quintessential Western landscape of Joshua Tree. Staying in an airbnb that is a run down old house with a coat of paint and made habitable with stuff from Walmart.
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| Rara by the pool |
The roads are dusty and designed for the occasional pick-up trucks that speed down them. The sun is hot and harsh and the open spaces are dotted with Dr. Seuss-type "trees," cactus and shrubs. Rabbits hop in and out of view. In the rare but wide-spreading trees, birds cluster and chirp at the top of their voices.
Standing in the reflected glare of the concrete pool, I felt a sudden ease. A weight lifted off me.
I said, "Wait, what?"
I don't even remember if Rara said anything. Sasha turned around and wrinkled her nose. squinting in the sunlight at us. She said, "April fools."
We were all silent.
In the desert, the massive sky weighs more. In the cold night, it is heavy with sparkling stars. It is easy to feel connected to the breath and rhythm of nature here.
Nature is recalibrating us. It is reminding us that we are all connected to each other. That borders, races, faiths, beliefs are human-created separations. We are just one of the species or families of living beings who rely on this planet to feed and shelter us. In order to survive, we must rely on each other. We must learn to respect not only every human life but every other kind of life.
What's interesting to me about the new social or physical distancing rules is that it forces us to see other people as few humans. To step off or on the sidewalk or out of a supermarket aisle to allow someone else their 6 feet of safety means that you must acknowledge another person's presence. One can't just pretend that the other person is an object.
On our video conferences, we see into other people's living rooms. We hear their families or pets. In some ways, we become even closer even as we crave the touch and scent of other humans. We are social animals and this is a deeply difficult exercise for us.
I have moments where I find having to stare at a screen, whether to shop, connect or learn, irritating and unsatisfying. The wrong medicine for me. I don't answer texts or emails sometimes because I can't bear to look at my phone or my laptop. I don't want to talk on the phone, I want to have a cup of tea or a drink with a real person in a different setting.
On April fools' day, I considered the idea that this state is the new normal. That life for the next month or several months involves little to no social interaction, except for trips to the supermarket or for me, the cold-pressed juice place I love. (Fortunately, food shopping no longer turns into panic buying of things one doesn't need. While most stores are sold out of many things - toilet paper, paper towels, cleaning products - there is lots of fresh produce. Most places have re-stocked their soups, beans, rice and pasta.)
As incomes dip, we are all learning what we don't need. Learning to make do with what we already have. And as the Native Americans or many indigenous peoples teach, we are learning to leave something for others.
For me, the exercise of Metta meditation is a powerful way to remind myself of my connection with others and myself. As an intuitive, I already know that we are all connected - that physical distance and time are also constructs.
Metta, if you don't already practice, is translated from Pali (the original language of the Buddha) as "loving kindness." In today's world, that translation feels saccharine. A more palatable translation might be compassion. A compassion that is neither pity nor selflessness because it includes yourself in the process.
It is also a great meditation for busy-mind non-meditating people. People who say, "I'm a do-er. I can't meditate." Or "As soon as I start trying to meditate, my mind just goes crazy." Metta works for us because it involves bringing images to mind and repeating phrases. It basically gives your overactive mind something to play with so the rest of you can spread out into the spaciousness of meditation.
Different teachers and practitioners have different variations on the four phrases but here are the ones I like the best:
May I/you be happy
May I/you be healthy
May I/you be safe
May I/you live with ease (or be peaceful)
Finally, a Metta meditation is a revitalizing experience. It makes our connection with the life force in all beings into visceral reality.
Here it is. Feel free to listen as often as you like and/or share it with others.
Again, I thank Jackson Nazario for his help with the recordings.
Saturday, March 28, 2020
C-Word: You'll see it when you believe it
Guided visualizations have been shown to be surprisingly effective with a number of illnesses, cancer amongst them. I know a number of people who have shrunk tumors to zero. They have also been successful with multiple sclerosis, infections and recovering from brain and physical damage.
Famous amongst people who have healed their bodies with their minds are Joe Dispenza who almost miraculously recovered from an accident to regain full use of his body. He leads workshops that teach people how to meditate (using his guided visualizations) to heal themselves.
Along with working people on diet, supplements, lifestyle changes and unlocking trauma in their bodies, I give them a guided visualization meditation session. It is a mindfulness-based meditation inspired by the teachings of Jonathan Kabat-Zinn whose MBSR meditations have shown great success with people in chemotherapy and other treatments.
The guided visualization I do has multiple uses in my practice.
1. As medical intuitive, it allows me to travel inside their bodies, little by little, and bring awareness and light to what is happening and to see what imagery the body shows me.
2. It allows the client to reconnect with their bodies and their life force so they can notice places where their muscles, organs or tissues are out of resonance.
3. It gives the clients an opportunity to experience a guided meditation practice that he/she could use again and again when on his/her own.
It can also be a useful tool in strengthening the immune system against pathogens and harmful external forces whether those are the effects of radiation or chemotherapy or bacteria and viruses, from Lyme disease to Corona Virus.
I've discovered almost miraculous healing in my clients that surprises their doctors and also makes them happier. It can give you a sense of control over an illness as well as your body.
Given the current financial struggle many of us are facing, I wanted to offer a healing meditation to anyone who wants to work on healing an illness, strengthening their immune systems or simply finding a greater sense of connection with the body.
Right now, when resources are scarce, it's nice to find something you can do that costs nothing, doesn't require any extra tools or training and is also highly effective.
Healing and health challenge meditation
It is free. Please share it with anyone who might find it useful.
Along with working people on diet, supplements, lifestyle changes and unlocking trauma in their bodies, I give them a guided visualization meditation session. It is a mindfulness-based meditation inspired by the teachings of Jonathan Kabat-Zinn whose MBSR meditations have shown great success with people in chemotherapy and other treatments.
The guided visualization I do has multiple uses in my practice.
1. As medical intuitive, it allows me to travel inside their bodies, little by little, and bring awareness and light to what is happening and to see what imagery the body shows me.
2. It allows the client to reconnect with their bodies and their life force so they can notice places where their muscles, organs or tissues are out of resonance.
3. It gives the clients an opportunity to experience a guided meditation practice that he/she could use again and again when on his/her own.
It can also be a useful tool in strengthening the immune system against pathogens and harmful external forces whether those are the effects of radiation or chemotherapy or bacteria and viruses, from Lyme disease to Corona Virus.
I've discovered almost miraculous healing in my clients that surprises their doctors and also makes them happier. It can give you a sense of control over an illness as well as your body.
Given the current financial struggle many of us are facing, I wanted to offer a healing meditation to anyone who wants to work on healing an illness, strengthening their immune systems or simply finding a greater sense of connection with the body.
Right now, when resources are scarce, it's nice to find something you can do that costs nothing, doesn't require any extra tools or training and is also highly effective.
Healing and health challenge meditation
It is free. Please share it with anyone who might find it useful.
Sunday, March 22, 2020
Love in the time of Cholera
If you are walking around with your chest tight or your stomach in knots, that isn't surprising. Thursday was the first day of Spring and it feels like the world's gone crazy.
In NYC, Karachi and LA, the city is on lockdown. Every business - apart from grocery stores, pharmacies and hospitals - is closed. People are working from home and have been told to "shelter in place" - not to leave their homes unless absolutely necessary. People with kids feel like they are bouncing off the walls. I've spoken to teachers and they hate the idea that their students are now going to have even MORE screen time.
No one knows how long it will last. Two weeks? 6 months? Will you get sick? Will someone you love get sick? What IS this virus? How can washing my hands possibly be enough?
The first day of spring is New Year's day in Iran (the second worst hit country after China), it's called Norouz or Nowruz.
It's a celebration of the earth's return to life. Of the light returning, of the flow of energy increasing. It might feel hard to celebrate when you are not allowed to meet friends or go to group events or - in some cases, if you are quarantined in a place without a private outdoor space - even go outside.
Instead, we are only wondering how long we are going to live like this.
On instagram, I keep posting anti-viral home remedies, but many people get angry saying these "magic potions" will not help us and will make us sick. There was one theory that our exposure to 5G has so taxed our bodies that people without resilience to electromagnetic shifts were either catching or creating the virus in their bodies. That also made a lot of people angry.
There are a lot of factors impacting our health. We need to examine all of them. There are a lot of things that can make us healthier. We need to think about them too.
Let me clarify - yes, wash your hands, isolate for enough time for them to see if it impacts infections, don't think that ginger and turmeric will allow you to go to parties (and even if it protects you from showing symptoms, it might cause others to become ill). Wash your clothes and sheets. Do NOT take massive doses of turmeric, ginger, oil of oregano OR acetaminophen or off-label pharmaceuticals. Too much of anything can be hard on your organs.
But also - take time to breathe. Walk in nature. Be kind to others - animals, people, plants - no matter who they are and where they come from. Nature is recalibrating us. Let's figure out how to work with where we are now. Practice being patient in uncomfortable situations. Practice disagreeing with someone without taking it personally. Remember that there is enough. There is always enough. Ask for help when you need it. You are supported. You are loved.
Please don't smoke.
All of those things are actually proven to strengthen your immune system
If you are having trouble managing the collective panic. Try short meditations. If you have difficulty sitting still for 15 or 20 minutes, try a guided one.
I've recorded one here with help from Jackson Nazario, a young musician and sound engineer:
Feel free to download it and share it.
The silver lining? The air is cleaner, the water is clearer. Kids are drawing on the sidewalk with chalk and hanging pictures of rainbows all over the neighborhood.
Jackson's got a song to make you feel better too.
Be well, my friends.
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| Thank you for sharing this gorgeous collage, Rachel Urquhart www.ponygoldstudio.com |
In NYC, Karachi and LA, the city is on lockdown. Every business - apart from grocery stores, pharmacies and hospitals - is closed. People are working from home and have been told to "shelter in place" - not to leave their homes unless absolutely necessary. People with kids feel like they are bouncing off the walls. I've spoken to teachers and they hate the idea that their students are now going to have even MORE screen time.
No one knows how long it will last. Two weeks? 6 months? Will you get sick? Will someone you love get sick? What IS this virus? How can washing my hands possibly be enough?
The first day of spring is New Year's day in Iran (the second worst hit country after China), it's called Norouz or Nowruz.
Instead, we are only wondering how long we are going to live like this.
On instagram, I keep posting anti-viral home remedies, but many people get angry saying these "magic potions" will not help us and will make us sick. There was one theory that our exposure to 5G has so taxed our bodies that people without resilience to electromagnetic shifts were either catching or creating the virus in their bodies. That also made a lot of people angry.
There are a lot of factors impacting our health. We need to examine all of them. There are a lot of things that can make us healthier. We need to think about them too.
Let me clarify - yes, wash your hands, isolate for enough time for them to see if it impacts infections, don't think that ginger and turmeric will allow you to go to parties (and even if it protects you from showing symptoms, it might cause others to become ill). Wash your clothes and sheets. Do NOT take massive doses of turmeric, ginger, oil of oregano OR acetaminophen or off-label pharmaceuticals. Too much of anything can be hard on your organs.
But also - take time to breathe. Walk in nature. Be kind to others - animals, people, plants - no matter who they are and where they come from. Nature is recalibrating us. Let's figure out how to work with where we are now. Practice being patient in uncomfortable situations. Practice disagreeing with someone without taking it personally. Remember that there is enough. There is always enough. Ask for help when you need it. You are supported. You are loved.
Please don't smoke.
All of those things are actually proven to strengthen your immune system
If you are having trouble managing the collective panic. Try short meditations. If you have difficulty sitting still for 15 or 20 minutes, try a guided one.
I've recorded one here with help from Jackson Nazario, a young musician and sound engineer:
Feel free to download it and share it.
The silver lining? The air is cleaner, the water is clearer. Kids are drawing on the sidewalk with chalk and hanging pictures of rainbows all over the neighborhood.
Jackson's got a song to make you feel better too.
Be well, my friends.
Monday, August 13, 2018
The Four Noble Truths and My Stomach
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| Buddhism dovetails with Sufism |
On Monday morning, after several cups of tea, some MCT oil and macadamia nuts, I felt a tightening in my stomach. I drank some water but it didn't make much difference. I tried to ignore it and work. Not possible. I bent over to get the laundry from the washer and got so dizzy I had to grip the wall to keep from falling down. As the pain intensified, a cold sweat drenched my clothes. I collapsed on the floor on my meditation cushion moaning.
30 minutes later - and a lot of stomach massage and elimination - it was gone. I drank a lot of water and then went to swim laps. Probably food poisoning or an allergic reaction. However, quite possibly the worst pain I've experienced since I was in labor 20 years' ago. And I have a high pain tolerance.
For my meditation teacher training at the Interdependence Project, I have to give a talk on the Four Noble Truths. These are the basis for all Buddhist practice as well as the first teachings given by the Buddha about 2600 years' ago. Like the majority of the most powerful learnings in the world, these are deceptively simple. Read the 3 (or four) laws of thermodynamics - energy is neither created nor destroyed. Or Einstein's e=mc squared. Descartes, I think therefore I am (though I might argue with that one).
I am finding, in my studies, that so much of the teachings of Buddhism dovetail neatly into Sufism (and Muslim) thought in that the main message is compassion for oneself and others.
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| The Dalai Lama practices with the Sufis |
Also that the deepest truths are often the most obvious.
Noble Truth #1
Life involves suffering.
So simple. Some people interpret that as "life is suffering," others say, "there is suffering" or "suffering exists," or "I am suffering." Like all simple phrases, the interpretations are endless. My experience is that life in this human form involves suffering, across the board. The extent and kind of the suffering is different for different people, but our personal suffering is connected with all suffering.
To put it into context, Buddha (the historical person called Siddhartha Gautama) was an Indian prince who had been shielded from all suffering by his family. His mother died from the complications of childbirth, so his father decided to keep him in an opulent palace to protect him. You know those kids, you see them in the Hamptons or Lake Cuomo or Gstaad.
Siddhartha was a bright and curious guy so one day, he snuck out of the palace grounds and took a trip to the South Bronx in the 80s (metaphor is mine). He saw suffering - a dying person, a sick person and a very old person. Siddhartha was shocked to discover that aging, illness and death were inevitable.
In response, he decided to become a monk and meditate until he found a way out.
Easy-peasy truth. Life is suffering.
But maybe you read or hear that and think, "Sure, but I'm not really suffering. I have a pretty good life and I'm generally a happy person." (Which is what I thought).
I live in a pleasant part of the first world. I have access to clean water, clean air, medical care, organic food, transportation. I have a roof over my head, running drinkable water, heat and air conditioning, electricity, internet. Big windows. My family is safe. My children had access to education. They have friends. They are healthy. My parents and my brother and his wife and their kids have access to the same. We can practice our faith with relative freedom. We have shoes and clothes and books for days. Even years.
So think about it this way - replace "suffering" with "stress."
Who do you know who is NOT stressed these days? Maybe not all the time, but definitely a lot of the time.
I have this imaginary ideal person - a herb farmer living the ideal life in the countryside, growing biodynamic flowers and surfing on the weekends (the life I secretly want to have, maybe in Australia, where I have never been). But even for her, there is probably stress of some kind. Herb-eating bugs, perhaps? Sick sheep or a water leak in her drying room?
Here's how the Dhammakapavattana Sutta (the first teaching, or the "setting in motion of the spiritual wheel") expresses that thought (translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu):
"Now this, monks, is the noble truth of stress:[1] Birth is stressful, aging is stressful, death is stressful; sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair are stressful; association with the unbeloved is stressful, separation from the loved is stressful, not getting what is wanted is stressful. In short, the five clinging-aggregates are stressful.
IRL, there's an incredible herbalist I know. She has a beautiful little farm and creates wonderful tinctures and salves. But her mother is ill and faraway and she has to travel long distances to see her. She has to find people to work on her farm while she is traveling. She worries about her mother a lot of the time. She thinks about how she is going to say goodbye.
I am sure she suffers in other ways, too. Tragically, her ideal life is not immune to stress or suffering.
That brings me back to my stomach ache. Here I am, saying I am suffering-free, but I still collapse on the floor in pain. Plus I definitely deal with my own pain and disappointments and stress (construction, contractors, landlords, friends, clients, not to mention my parents and kids).
But even if I skip those big sufferings. There are tiny points of pain all the time.
Amy Miller, a Buddhist nun of Philadelphia provence, explained it this way, "There are so many kinds of suffering - loneliness, rising high and then falling low, meeting something or someone you don't want to, parting from someone you don't want to leave. There is suffering when you face uncertainty, the suffering you feel in the face of impermanence or change." (This was at the Shantideva Center in Prospect Park).
Let's expand our perspective to include people all around us - obviously, in other parts of the city or other parts of the world, there are people who have fewer resources, who face harder living conditions or those amongst us who have terrible illness and obstacles whether physical, mental or emotional.
Yes. There is suffering - from the top of society to the bottom.
Noble Truth #2
There is a cause to the suffering.
Yep. No sh__, Sherlock. LOTS OF CAUSES!
It's my job, it's my husband (or wife), my kids, my boss or my bad-vibe colleagues. It's because my parents messed me up. It's the economy. It's the traffic, the terrible president, it's the fact that I am addicted to donuts/coffee/heroin. It's the expired MCT oil that gave me a stomach ache!
But of course, there are other translations of that truth. In the translation of the Dhammakapavattana Sutta, that truth is called the "Origin of Stress." It's also called "The Root of Suffering."
According Gil Fronsdal, who does a good job putting the four noble truths into context, it's called "The Arising of Suffering."
In the frame of Buddhist thought - as Gil Fronsdal explains - all suffering comes from (gasp) OURSELVES. All those supposed "causes," for instance, why we eat the donuts every day, are actually "conditions" of our suffering.
He says it like this: If you are trying to lose weight or eat less sugar and every day you can not find a way to resist the donuts in the coffee shop, the DONUTS are not really the cause of your weight gain or addiction.
You can change the conditions by going to a different coffee shop that does not sell donuts. You can bring coffee from home. You can skip drinking coffee all together. You can buy something else from the coffee shop or only bring enough money with you for coffee. Or you can not open your mouth and put the donuts in.
The actions that lead you to the donuts are the conditions. But the reality is that the obsession with donuts is your own craving.
According to Amy Miller, there are two causes of suffering - one is your own mind and the other is negative action in your past life.
You've probably heard this in a lot of New Age teachings (or my other blog posts) but one of the things that you might notice is that your suffering or discomfort is relative.
For instance, if you have just won the lottery or just fallen in love and your parking lot attendant stops you on the street to tell you that he's very sorry but he crashed your car into a post - you might be ok with it.
On the other hand, if you've just been laid off from your job or your dog died and the same thing happens, you'd be irate. Or feel like the whole world hates you.
The level of your suffering will be different.
In some circles, they might interpret this as - YOU are responsible for your own suffering so you just need to buck up and get over it. Don't worry. Be happy.
And if it's from a past life, well, that's just it. Too late now.
IMHO, that's not exactly what Buddha was saying here.
For instance, did my stomach ache come from my mind? Could I have just been a little more cheerful and not have a stomach ache? Was I cruel to an insect or small animal in my past life and now my abdomen was making amends?
Another interpretation is that suffering comes from cravings and desires. For instance, the desire for physical pleasure, the desire for delicious food, the desire to feel superior to others (like when you are seated in first class and watching all the other passengers file back into economy), the desire to have more.
Still a third way to look at suffering is dissatisfaction. Alan Watts describes it that way. The traffic light is red and you want it to be green. You're late and you keep hitting all the red lights on the way. Or all the DON'T WALK signs when the subway was delayed.
Dissatisfaction is a reaction to what is. Your metabolism. Your height. Your partner. Your bad knees. The weather. The way you were brought up. Maybe someone you love died and you didn't want him to. That's understandable, but it can be qualified as dissatisfaction or discontent.
If you've taken the Landmark Forum courses, you know that dissatisfaction with "what is" is considered the main cause of suffering.
Which also brings up two Buddhist ideas - emptiness or interconnectedness. Weird that those two things would go together. Amy Miller described emptiness as the understanding that nothing has an inherent nature. Nothing is good or bad in itself. A donut alone in a forest does no harm.
Or as Gil Fronsdal would say, every desire has a root.
So Gil described his desire for a beautiful sportscar. Exploring that, he realized that he wanted the car because it would make him look more successful, feed his ego. The car was neither good or bad, right or wrong.
The root might be (as both Amy and Gil say), getting attached to our "story," the meaning that we attach to it. It doesn't mean there is nothing there - it means that what's there is there and nothing more. Seeing the causes of your suffering as something other than your own self is your story.
"I can't make plans because my husband and kids are always doing last-minute things so I just give up." Or "I can't get a job because everyone thinks I'm too fat and I can't lose weight because there are always cookies and junk food around my house."
When we do that we make the "conditions" of our suffering the reasons or the root.
The other idea is Impermanence.
The first, as anyone who has lived in NYC can attest, is the nature of life. Seems like every time you turn the corner, your favorite restaurant is gone and there's a totally new condo building in the place of your parking lot. Your best neighbors move to New Jersey. Despite your best efforts, your kids grow up. Your parents get older. It's sad.
The material world is all about change.
Noble Truth #3
There is a way to end suffering.
The truth is, you can't change the universe, but you can change yourself.
And if you can change yourself, maybe you can change your suffering. Thinking back to my stomach ache, this is an appealing idea. I was in such intense pain that I couldn't imagine anything else.
The translation from Thanissaro Bhikku is as follows:
"And this, monks, is the noble truth of the cessation of stress: the remainderless fading & cessation, renunciation, relinquishment, release, & letting go of that very craving.
This probably the simplest of the Four Truths, but also the most pleasant one. You are in pain and the doctor says, "I can tell you exactly what to do."
All these stupid things that make us suffer have a "cure."
This is what one is taught in the Landmark Forum. One can't avoid "what is," but one might be able to avoid some of the suffering that it causes.
A little aside. Pain - the discharging of nerve endings - cannot be avoided. However, how you feel and react to that pain (suffering or not), is mutable.
Noble Truth #4
The Path to Ending Suffering
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| The Eightfold Path fits well with a Sufi perspective, too |
The way one frees oneself from suffering and reaches "liberation" or nirvana is called the Eight-Fold Path. Basically, the Buddha taught there were 8 steps to avoiding suffering. They all involve the word "right" which means "accurate" rather than the opposite of wrong. It is also translated as "wholesome" in Thich Nhat Hanh's explanation. "Right" also means in accordance with the Buddhist ideas of impermanence, emptiness and interdependence (creating positive impact on yourself and the world with as little harm as possible to other beings).
The list, briefly:
1. Right Understanding
2. Right Thought
3. Right Speech
4. Right Action
5. Right Livelihood
6. Right Effort
7. Right Mindfulness/Recollection
8. Right Concentration/Meditation
The things you do to avoid suffering are really about not causing suffering to others and coming to terms with your own suffering in every single aspect of your life.
How you understand, how you think, what you say, what you do, your job, what you try to accomplish, what you hold on to and how you meditate - all of those will affect your ability to manage stress, pain, sadness and discomfort.
Many people think, "Why would the essential teaching of a faith or a school of thought focus on the bleakest parts of life?"
The goal of the first Buddhist teaching is to give you tools to manage those bleak parts so that you can fully enjoy or be present to the good parts.
Acknowledge your own suffering. Explore it. Feel it. Give yourself love and compassion for it.
Forget measuring it against anyone else's suffering or situation. Just be with what arises for yourself.
Because you can only release your own pain when you have admitted that it's there.
Don't even try and change anything until you've done that. When you have taken the time to embrace your suffering like a baby, as Thich Nhat Hanh, describes it, you can let it go. When you take the time to see what is making your baby cry, you can address it. While your baby is crying, it's hard to see anyone else clearly.
Once your suffering is realized, take a minute to realize that if you are suffering, so is everyone else.
And you are connected to everyone else. Your next job is to alleviate or at least not inflame the suffering of those around you.
Gradually, my stomach ache subsided. I threw the whole bottle of MCT oil in the garbage and got back to work.
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| Useful for Meditation Teacher Training Class! |
Sunday, February 12, 2017
How Can I Help?
Years' ago, I got sucked into one of those downloadable courses with the headline, FOUR WORDS EVERY MARKETER NEEDS TO KNOW.
Bizarrely, I remember 2 things from the course - one is that people will excuse almost anything if you use the word "because." If you need to skip ahead in line, if you need special attention, whatever. We are a species that likes to make sense of things. If you give a reason, even if it is nonsense, people feel like they get it and are less likely to be angry, offended or taken advantage of.
The other thing is people who sound angry or swear are less likely to get help from other people. A lot of articles recently show that people who swear a lot are more intelligent, more honest, better able to handle pain and more in control of their lives, BUT when you are angry or seemingly volatile - other people can find you a little scary and just stay away. Studies also show that people who swear are imagined to be less competent.
I told this a friend and she said, "Wow. I wonder if that's why the last time I really needed help, I couldn't find anyone to support me." (I am ashamed to say that I was amongst her friends who wasn't present).
I had a friend who said when she had cancer, no one ever came to the hospital. She said she didn't feel like "broadcasting it" on social media. She was angry.
This also made me think of how some of my Muslim friends are reacting to the protests against the "Muslim Ban" and the Shepard Fairey, "We The People," illustration of a woman in hijab. Which I loved. [Not least because a couple of years' ago Muslim women who tried to show their patriotism by wearing flag hijabs (rather than flag daisy dukes) got them ripped off their heads or were massacred on social media.]
Personally, I have been moved to tears by the "Standing with Muslim" signs all over Brooklyn and New York City. As a Muslim in mainstream America, a lot of us were "stealth" practitioners You know, you let people get to know you a little. You show them how normal and regular you are - and then, when they're softened up a little - you tell them you are Muslim.
Muslim felt like a bad word. It was rarely said aloud on mainstream TV - except in describing terrorists or the misguided women who love them - on Homeland, Sleeper Cell or 24. Since I worked in fashion and beauty, I was at numerous events where Claire Danes was also in attendance. I always gave her a very wide berth. (It's a role, but I always felt creeped out.)
I was surprised by a handful of Muslim friends who hated the Shepard Fairey image (it's from a photograph of a women who does not normally wear hijab) or who felt co-opted by the Muslims praying in public. More than one person said, "They've never even stepped into a mosque in their lives and all of a sudden, they are marching in pro-Muslim rallies."
There are women of color who are insulted by the affluent white women who are marching and standing in solidarity. The white women often miss certain points of sensitivity.
My thoughts: One, from the perspective of advertising, since I have been steeped in it. Two, as a regular person, a single woman of a certain age in NYC.
One - Whether you veil or not, as a Muslim woman, you can't deny that it is a powerful socio-political symbol. It is immediately visible and it immediately aligns you with a group. Personally, I don't cover my head and don't believe it is necessary to my faith (a long blogpost explaining why). I do believe that if you want to, you should be able to cover.
I believe prayer and faith are personal choices and best performed in private. However, there is something powerful in the act of prayer or even meditation in a group, all that energy focusing on a greater good. On top of that, Muslim prayer is beautiful and dramatic because it is both physical and performed in unison. Watching hundreds or thousands of people prostrate all at once is a moving experience, that's why it's used over and over again in films and documentaries, both pro and anti-Islam.
In my opinion, Muslim prayer, performed as a flash mob is spiritually uplifting, beautiful to watch and can show people who are unfamiliar with it that it isn't sinister. It could inspire someone to join in. My taking part in a Jewish ceremony or saying a prayer in a church or a temple doesn't make me less of a Muslim, but it does make me understand, on a visceral level, that we are all human.
My experience has been a sense of love by my friends reaching out to say they support and stand with me. The people who have reached out to me have been Christians, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Sikhs, Atheists, Agnostics. They have been black, white, brown and every variation in the spectrum. They have been gay, straight and trans. Some are not even friends. Some are acquaintances. Some are people I didn't even think liked me.
If you were amongst those people, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are acknowledged and appreciated. My eyes fill with tears when I say that. My heart aches. I hug you.
Two - As a single person past 40 in NYC, I realize this fastpaced city can be isolating. Everyone works crazy long hours, the cost of living is so high that almost everyone - no matter how well off they are - feels pinched in some way. You have to walk long distances no matter the weather, climb up and down subway and building stairs (in often in heels), carry heavy bags. In everything you do, there will be someone younger, faster, prettier, cheaper, stronger, richer breathing down your neck. On top of that, the entire city is always under construction and shifting the demographics. People who like to say, "Back in the day... " will have lots of fodder as things change at breakneck speed.
Finally, my long-winded point: how to get and accept help.
Unless you can accept people at whatever level they are willing to help, and accept it without judging their motives, you don't open the door for that help.
Lots of people are insincere. They help just because it's trendy or to bring attention to themselves - but maybe that's their way in. Everyone deserves a point of entry. Maybe all those "nice white ladies" marching will run screaming away when push comes to shove. Or maybe they will use their position of privilege to help others. Give them a space to do that. It looks like they are trying.
Maybe all the men marching at the "women's" rallies will think about women differently. Certainly the more bodies you get at a rally, the more effective it is at making an impact. We need men, too.
If you are angry - even if your anger comes from sadness, pain or loneliness, even if its justified - people will stay away from you. Most of us are scared of anger spilling over on to us. We all learned as toddlers to get out of Mummy's way, if she's in a bad mood.
I'm not saying don't be sad or hurt or angry - anger can motivate us to powerful action - but it also can isolate us. If you often say negative things about people you encounter, the people listening will wonder if they are up next. You leave your social media friends or listeners with a bad taste in their mouths and a sense of discomfort.
If you speak well of people - not flippantly, but consciously - what you say is nicer to be around. Being completely pollyanna is nauseating, but when you hear yourself getting in an "Oscar the Grouch" mood, try to stop it. Unless you can be as clever and funny as Fran Lebowitz, probably better to lay off.
If you ever want help, that is.
On top of that, you can only get help and support if you ask. Amanda Palmer wrote a book called the Art of Asking which had a brilliant premise - if you want help, you need to ask. If you are not a public person on social media and don't feel comfortable letting your friends know when you are struggling, then you need to call/email/text them personally and ASK (without bullying or intimidating).
First, as social animals, we are hardwired to want to help each other. It makes you feel good when you make someone else feel good. When others see you helping someone, it makes THEM feel good. That chain carries over into the actions of the others who see your actions. Each person who witnesses someone else doing something caring is likely to behave with compassion and/or empathy in his/her next social interaction. There is scientific data to back this up.
Next, it is a powerful thing to be vulnerable. Not all the time, because you can be a black hole of needs. It's great to be self-sufficient and independent. But sometimes, let your guard down. Let someone - or lots of people - know that you are struggling. In the end, we are all human beings. Appeal to someone on a human level and they will want to help you. When you let your guard down, you open yourself up to abuse, but you also give someone a safe space to step into. You let them rise to the occasion.
NYC is isolating. Social media makes FOMO out of control. Everyone else's life is infinitely more fabulous and wonderful. They all seem to be at parties or on amazing vacations while you are home in your raggedy, stained pajamas eating chocolate and lying in your unmade bed looking at their pictures. However, believing someone's life is their instagram feed is like believing you are as wonderful as your dog says you are.
Really want help, connection and love? Go help someone else. It's great to write in your gratitude journal, but then go help in a domestic abuse shelter. Do something for someone else that you wish someone had done for you. What goes around, comes around. It really does.
For all my friends of color who think white people hate them (not that lots of them are not scared of us), go find one or two and talk to them about what's really going on for you. Listen to them in return. Hug them if that makes sense. Don't beat anyone up, open a dialogue. If you talk to people about what you are feeling, without blaming anyone else for your feelings, it allows them to connect. It makes a bridge.
Ever notice how if your bag spills open on the subway in NYC, people will all get up and help you collect the contents? Some people won't because they have their own issues. But most people will look under those grimy benches and pick up your lip gloss or packet of tissues and give them back. They might ask you to check if your Metrocard or IDs are still there so you can get home.
One day, I was late for a class. I ran down the subway stairs, shoved myself through all the people who couldn't get on a packed train car. I threw myself into the crowd. Unfortunately, I slipped out and my leg got caught in the space between the train and the platform.
A huge group of people - most of whom I had just shoved aside - came forward and pulled me out of the gap. They dusted off my bags and helped me to my feet. They asked if I was all right.
No one asked about my religion or my political beliefs (even though I have badges all over my backpack).
That is what it means to be a human being.
We will only get through the next few years if we learn to be indivisible and use our different experiences and access to help each other. BECAUSE it's crucial to stand together.
We are here for you. Just let us know how we can help. Let us in.
Bizarrely, I remember 2 things from the course - one is that people will excuse almost anything if you use the word "because." If you need to skip ahead in line, if you need special attention, whatever. We are a species that likes to make sense of things. If you give a reason, even if it is nonsense, people feel like they get it and are less likely to be angry, offended or taken advantage of.
The other thing is people who sound angry or swear are less likely to get help from other people. A lot of articles recently show that people who swear a lot are more intelligent, more honest, better able to handle pain and more in control of their lives, BUT when you are angry or seemingly volatile - other people can find you a little scary and just stay away. Studies also show that people who swear are imagined to be less competent.
I told this a friend and she said, "Wow. I wonder if that's why the last time I really needed help, I couldn't find anyone to support me." (I am ashamed to say that I was amongst her friends who wasn't present).
I had a friend who said when she had cancer, no one ever came to the hospital. She said she didn't feel like "broadcasting it" on social media. She was angry.
This also made me think of how some of my Muslim friends are reacting to the protests against the "Muslim Ban" and the Shepard Fairey, "We The People," illustration of a woman in hijab. Which I loved. [Not least because a couple of years' ago Muslim women who tried to show their patriotism by wearing flag hijabs (rather than flag daisy dukes) got them ripped off their heads or were massacred on social media.]
Personally, I have been moved to tears by the "Standing with Muslim" signs all over Brooklyn and New York City. As a Muslim in mainstream America, a lot of us were "stealth" practitioners You know, you let people get to know you a little. You show them how normal and regular you are - and then, when they're softened up a little - you tell them you are Muslim.
Muslim felt like a bad word. It was rarely said aloud on mainstream TV - except in describing terrorists or the misguided women who love them - on Homeland, Sleeper Cell or 24. Since I worked in fashion and beauty, I was at numerous events where Claire Danes was also in attendance. I always gave her a very wide berth. (It's a role, but I always felt creeped out.)
I was surprised by a handful of Muslim friends who hated the Shepard Fairey image (it's from a photograph of a women who does not normally wear hijab) or who felt co-opted by the Muslims praying in public. More than one person said, "They've never even stepped into a mosque in their lives and all of a sudden, they are marching in pro-Muslim rallies."
There are women of color who are insulted by the affluent white women who are marching and standing in solidarity. The white women often miss certain points of sensitivity.
My thoughts: One, from the perspective of advertising, since I have been steeped in it. Two, as a regular person, a single woman of a certain age in NYC.
One - Whether you veil or not, as a Muslim woman, you can't deny that it is a powerful socio-political symbol. It is immediately visible and it immediately aligns you with a group. Personally, I don't cover my head and don't believe it is necessary to my faith (a long blogpost explaining why). I do believe that if you want to, you should be able to cover.
I believe prayer and faith are personal choices and best performed in private. However, there is something powerful in the act of prayer or even meditation in a group, all that energy focusing on a greater good. On top of that, Muslim prayer is beautiful and dramatic because it is both physical and performed in unison. Watching hundreds or thousands of people prostrate all at once is a moving experience, that's why it's used over and over again in films and documentaries, both pro and anti-Islam.
In my opinion, Muslim prayer, performed as a flash mob is spiritually uplifting, beautiful to watch and can show people who are unfamiliar with it that it isn't sinister. It could inspire someone to join in. My taking part in a Jewish ceremony or saying a prayer in a church or a temple doesn't make me less of a Muslim, but it does make me understand, on a visceral level, that we are all human.
My experience has been a sense of love by my friends reaching out to say they support and stand with me. The people who have reached out to me have been Christians, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Sikhs, Atheists, Agnostics. They have been black, white, brown and every variation in the spectrum. They have been gay, straight and trans. Some are not even friends. Some are acquaintances. Some are people I didn't even think liked me.
If you were amongst those people, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are acknowledged and appreciated. My eyes fill with tears when I say that. My heart aches. I hug you.
Two - As a single person past 40 in NYC, I realize this fastpaced city can be isolating. Everyone works crazy long hours, the cost of living is so high that almost everyone - no matter how well off they are - feels pinched in some way. You have to walk long distances no matter the weather, climb up and down subway and building stairs (in often in heels), carry heavy bags. In everything you do, there will be someone younger, faster, prettier, cheaper, stronger, richer breathing down your neck. On top of that, the entire city is always under construction and shifting the demographics. People who like to say, "Back in the day... " will have lots of fodder as things change at breakneck speed.
Finally, my long-winded point: how to get and accept help.
Unless you can accept people at whatever level they are willing to help, and accept it without judging their motives, you don't open the door for that help.
Lots of people are insincere. They help just because it's trendy or to bring attention to themselves - but maybe that's their way in. Everyone deserves a point of entry. Maybe all those "nice white ladies" marching will run screaming away when push comes to shove. Or maybe they will use their position of privilege to help others. Give them a space to do that. It looks like they are trying.
Maybe all the men marching at the "women's" rallies will think about women differently. Certainly the more bodies you get at a rally, the more effective it is at making an impact. We need men, too.
If you are angry - even if your anger comes from sadness, pain or loneliness, even if its justified - people will stay away from you. Most of us are scared of anger spilling over on to us. We all learned as toddlers to get out of Mummy's way, if she's in a bad mood.
I'm not saying don't be sad or hurt or angry - anger can motivate us to powerful action - but it also can isolate us. If you often say negative things about people you encounter, the people listening will wonder if they are up next. You leave your social media friends or listeners with a bad taste in their mouths and a sense of discomfort.
If you speak well of people - not flippantly, but consciously - what you say is nicer to be around. Being completely pollyanna is nauseating, but when you hear yourself getting in an "Oscar the Grouch" mood, try to stop it. Unless you can be as clever and funny as Fran Lebowitz, probably better to lay off.
If you ever want help, that is.
On top of that, you can only get help and support if you ask. Amanda Palmer wrote a book called the Art of Asking which had a brilliant premise - if you want help, you need to ask. If you are not a public person on social media and don't feel comfortable letting your friends know when you are struggling, then you need to call/email/text them personally and ASK (without bullying or intimidating).
First, as social animals, we are hardwired to want to help each other. It makes you feel good when you make someone else feel good. When others see you helping someone, it makes THEM feel good. That chain carries over into the actions of the others who see your actions. Each person who witnesses someone else doing something caring is likely to behave with compassion and/or empathy in his/her next social interaction. There is scientific data to back this up.
Next, it is a powerful thing to be vulnerable. Not all the time, because you can be a black hole of needs. It's great to be self-sufficient and independent. But sometimes, let your guard down. Let someone - or lots of people - know that you are struggling. In the end, we are all human beings. Appeal to someone on a human level and they will want to help you. When you let your guard down, you open yourself up to abuse, but you also give someone a safe space to step into. You let them rise to the occasion.
NYC is isolating. Social media makes FOMO out of control. Everyone else's life is infinitely more fabulous and wonderful. They all seem to be at parties or on amazing vacations while you are home in your raggedy, stained pajamas eating chocolate and lying in your unmade bed looking at their pictures. However, believing someone's life is their instagram feed is like believing you are as wonderful as your dog says you are.
Really want help, connection and love? Go help someone else. It's great to write in your gratitude journal, but then go help in a domestic abuse shelter. Do something for someone else that you wish someone had done for you. What goes around, comes around. It really does.
For all my friends of color who think white people hate them (not that lots of them are not scared of us), go find one or two and talk to them about what's really going on for you. Listen to them in return. Hug them if that makes sense. Don't beat anyone up, open a dialogue. If you talk to people about what you are feeling, without blaming anyone else for your feelings, it allows them to connect. It makes a bridge.
Ever notice how if your bag spills open on the subway in NYC, people will all get up and help you collect the contents? Some people won't because they have their own issues. But most people will look under those grimy benches and pick up your lip gloss or packet of tissues and give them back. They might ask you to check if your Metrocard or IDs are still there so you can get home.
One day, I was late for a class. I ran down the subway stairs, shoved myself through all the people who couldn't get on a packed train car. I threw myself into the crowd. Unfortunately, I slipped out and my leg got caught in the space between the train and the platform.
A huge group of people - most of whom I had just shoved aside - came forward and pulled me out of the gap. They dusted off my bags and helped me to my feet. They asked if I was all right.
No one asked about my religion or my political beliefs (even though I have badges all over my backpack).
That is what it means to be a human being.
We will only get through the next few years if we learn to be indivisible and use our different experiences and access to help each other. BECAUSE it's crucial to stand together.
We are here for you. Just let us know how we can help. Let us in.
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