kaleidescopes

ever look into a broken mirror?

when you stand one way, you see the image one way. then take a half-step to the right or the left and everything breaks apart. you see different aspects of the same thing. the side of your nose that you've never seen before. the bottom of your chin, let's say.

i've been working on a novel about the past five years - the journey, the there and back again - it seems like forever. maybe it's lucky because things keep unfolding and i haven't yet reached a conclusion.

every time i start writing, i find myself entering the story a different way. or seeing the details differently. the pivotal moments change. the points that led me there are not what they were the last time.

and, of course, when you stand at the end and look back, what you see changes depending on where you are standing.

if you wonder what i am trying to make sense of - the financial, physical and emotional rollercoaster of the past few years, cancer and recovery, destructive and vindictive relationships and their effects on the angst of my teenagers, the constant difficulty of keeping a home  - even now i look around, surprised that i am still standing.

surprised even more that i am still smiling.

sometimes, i blame the devastation on the economy. it's surprising how fear and uncertainity makes people behave. money, like alcohol, brings out the worst in some people.

sometimes, i blame it on my bad judgement. i haven't made the best choices. i can be impulsive. i don't think things through. i am a terrible judge of character.

other times, i blame fate and the series of events that led me to where i am.

but then again, i find myself back at the beginning again. where am i? and which series of events were the unfortunate ones?

and which ones were fortunate?