walk don't walk

don't get stressed.

calm down.

just relax a bit.

anyone who knows me would say i am the most balanced and resilient person they know (maybe they are just saying that to be polite, but i do tend to weather big storms with flexibility - and i'd like to think - grace. mostly)

so when people say that to me, i want to fall apart laughing. avoiding the landmines and open manhole covers that dot my life requires careful, advance planning and i've never been good at that.

i like to say that i'm someone who confuses impulse with intuition. i tend to make decisions based on other parts of my anatomy. even when it is totally obvious that they are terrible ones. look at the people i fall in love with. (stop laughing).

look you can mess with me. sadly. you can hit me, lock me in a room, spend all my money, destroy my possessions or be generally abusive. and i get right back up again and keep going.

but you hurt my kids and i lose it. my achilles' heel. they suffer and i can't seem to get past it.

so i've finally met my match and it's doing me in. you know how people tell you, "forget veggies, my grandmother lived to 108 and she smoked a pack a day and lived on lard"?

that's because she wasn't stressed.

for me, despite regular exercise, fresh vegetables and fruits, no dairy, no smoking no alcohol, rare late nights, very little meat, wheat, corn or even soy, drinking 2 liters of water a day, my body is disintegrating so fast i can almost feel it falling apart around me.

my liver is not functioning properly, i have kidney stones, my ovaries have shut down, i have eczema, possibly cervical cancer, an infection in my eustachian tubes and that's just the tip of the iceberg...

not to catalogue the unpleasantness or set up a pity party, just to remind you - you can do everything right, or everything wrong, and the stuff that crashes through your mind is what will bring you down. oh that and not rushing to the doctor the minute something seems wrong when you are over 35 - and convincing the doctor to pay attention and do something about it...

in my case, the incredible brutality and selfishness of the men around me. i thought i could handle anything. turns out i am only human.

amazon tv: zarina turns 14

oh they are so much more glamourous and self-possessed than i ever was.

one of zarina's friends spent 3 weeks planning a surprise party for her. after james offered his studio for the party and then backed out at the last minute, frida and lauren convinced her father bob to let them use an extremely fabulous empty storefront on north moore street - right next to the chic locanda verde and across from the cool smith & mills bar.

there was a dj, a lightshow, james bought an enormous strawberry shortcake and tons of soft drinks and potato chips and i bought ten pizzas (they only ate 4).

why you should not let your kids sit at home all day just because it's raining...

not that i'm setting a good example but there you go.

amazon morning tv - weekend edition

ok, how do you get your 16 year-old off the sofa and out to do something?

rara's with james, zarina got herself up at the crack of 8 and ran out the door to her ballet rehearsals. she is the picture of motivation. i have moments like that myself.

but not today. could barely get myself out of bed myself. didn't even manage to go to my dreamweaver class. barely finished the homework.

i'm the sort of person who has the adrenaline kick in when i'm under pressure and then when it all starts to sort itself out, my body disintegrates around me... i want to put a pillow over my head and go back to bed.

sasha's watching "the mask" - i need one of those.

maybe it's a day to go shopping. good capitalist that i am, this might be a moment to do something for the economy.

or take a pilates class?

upstairs downstairs

so we're finally all used to life at 9 north moore. the amazons enjoy having their own space downstairs. it's a sort of mini-haven for teenaged girls.

actually, our whole apartment is girl-world.

upstairs is work/meals/tv - MY space

downstairs is the enormous walk-in closet, the sofa and lots of space for fashion shows, skylight for flattering adolescent faces and a washing machine for all the towels that end up all over the floor.

as for me, i am feeling a bit like job - blown away by the scourges and maliciousness that seems to surround me.

the rats ate the wiring of my new car. the infestation of fruit flies continues. my health is questionable. james is taking me off his insurance just in time. the amazons are rude and spoiled.

it's not that i don't see the part i play in all this but it still makes me tired. somehow i am feeling so exhausted that when i went to the doctor yesterday and she said she was worried about my possibly having cervical cancer - i felt totally relieved.

just the thought of an escape route set me free.

the end of worrying about bills, making sure everyone does their homework and eats meals and doesn't get in trouble. the end of balancing exhusbands and parents and my career and even the dog.

suddenly it all seems like an inconsequential game.

i was walking down the street looking at the clear blue sky making the tops of the buildings glisten

and i just started laughing.

it's time to get back to just writing. and if it goes nowhere - what difference will it make?

amazon morning tv

here's what happens on a normal morning... i am going to watch these videos when the amazons go to college and i am having a peaceful breakfast ALONE...

morning at 9 north moore #1 - part 2

so every morning i drag myself out of bed and stumble over my first hurdle - cutting up fruit, making eggs, tea and heating up banana bread - and then forcing the amazons to eat breakfast before they leave for school.

also to make them be somewhat polite to each other in the process.

then in the silence that follows the frenzy as they rush out the door, i clean up the detritus of the tsunami of their morning prep...

admittedly, this could stand some editing. but no time now.

i mean, i can't do EVERYTHING - can i?

morning at 9 north moore #1 - part 3

a slightly calmer morning at #1

having trouble getting moving today. i suppose - since the amazons will all be out - i should really go do something fun, but i am still in my pjs at 10 am...

all of a sudden, i am seeing myself on a continuum - from my great grandmother to my paternal grandfather to my mum & my kids - i sometimes feel i only exist in relationship to them

i am a bead on a spiderweb of connections...

sleep

or lack thereof.

all the craziness of my ex-husbands and my insane teenagers has me opening my eyes and listening to rara's laptop murmuring, "it's twelve o'clock.." when i know i have to be up before 6...

it's amazing what destruction people will wreck when they are angry and it's tragic because it leaves scars that never completely heal.

anyway, living in a sort of telenovella now.