Good Advice

Recently (SHOCK!) I've learned why advice needs to be open-ended and neutral. 

Or what do butterflies and baby birds have to do with advice?

I used to get irritated if I told someone they needed to eat more kale, broccoli and swiss chard and they ate donuts (or pretend health food like granola and yogurt) instead. My emotional reaction is common amongst parents of adult children, adult children regarding their parents, friends and siblings. 

Someone you care about or are invested in does something that seems obviously unwise (or self-destructive) to you. So, even if they haven't asked you or paid you to tell them, you point it out. 

Then the person to whom you have given this brilliant advice or insight just does their own thing. 

That used to get to me.

There's that thing about helping a baby bird break out of its shell. When the bird emerges on its own, it gains the strength it needs to thrive in its life. When someone helps it, it becomes weak or handicapped. It's the same thing with butterflies. Those "helped" ones die.

When someone takes a decision on their own, they gain a greater sense of control and satisfaction. If I impose my views, I take ownership of their path. That means they trust themselves and their own judgment less. They don't learn what they are meant to learn. They get weaker.

It's like taking your kid's swim test for him/her. Obviously dangerous.

Giving advice or help with neutrality also helps me step away from my ego. I can only draw from my own body of knowledge and perception. I'm a medical intuitive, a health coach, a psychic and a medium but also a human - I am not omniscient. I don't know every possible solution or every possible way to get somewhere. I don't often know all the pieces of the puzzle.

My advice to myself?

If I deliver (asked-for) counsel with neutrality, I allow the person to have agency over their lives and their choices. My advice is not the only information they are using to move forwards. 

If I deliver advice in an open-ended, nonjudgmental way, it is more likely the person will receive it in a way that helps and benefits them. It's not that I don't care what the person does, it's that I do care. 

I have to believe that a person I care about is wise and intelligent.

I want a person I counsel to be happier, healthier, stronger and closer to their joy.

Advice is a gift and a resource. 

Of course, the next steps in releasing my ego (or nafs, if you are a Muslim):

1. Not assuming my advice is the only way
2. Not getting angry if they don't follow my advice in any way

3. Not needing validation or appreciation for my advice

4. Not saying, "I told you so," if their experiences lead to some sort of disappointment (which can be a powerful lesson on its own)

5. Not taking or asking for ownership or credit if their experiences lead to some sort of positive end

If I do any of those five, it's about me. If I need to be right, valued, validated or credited, that's my insecurity. However, I do slip into all of these sometimes.

Notice how other people's problems are transparent and our own are opaque and complex?

So my advice on coaching, advising or counsel?

If you care how it lands - rather than wanting to bully or threaten someone into your point of view - you give it in a way that they can hear it, that they can use it without feeling diminished or controlled, and you give it like any true gift, 

no strings attached.

Please feel free to ignore.