The C-Word: Beyond Cancer and Cleaning Up

I just came back from a hideous Airbnb experience in Los Angeles. The apartment was beautifully-located and the host was lovely and responsive - but the space was dusty, musty and crammed so full of vintage finds that within an hour, my throat closed and I could barely breathe. I tried to soldier on but gave up the next day. It was more like a thrift-store storage space than a living space. What I'd forgotten is that post-chemo one is often extremely sensitive to dust and mold and as an intuitive, I am extremely sensitive to energy - and the energy and histories of all those cast-offs was suffocating me.

Last month (behind the curve, I know), I pondered Marie Kondo's The Lifechanging Magic of Tidying Up. The idea is that tidying is easy if you reduce your possessions to only those you use often and only those which "spark joy." You hold each of your objects and try and tap into your intuition as to whether you need them or not. If they've already completed their purpose in your life, you let them go. In our moving process this fall, we reduced our possessions to a minimum and moved into an apartment with no broken pieces - and the lifestyle change has been liberating.

This is the opposite of the anti-housework ethos when I was coming into womanhood.

actually, clean house can make you happier, more fascinating and healthier!

Marie Kondo's theory is that if your home is tidy and in order, it makes it easier to focus on what you want in life. The exercise of figuring out which possessions truly spark joy in you also helps awaken your sense of what sparks joy in the rest of your life.  Gretchen Rubin, the author of the Happiness Project, discovered that the one thing that makes people happier - day to day - was making their beds. Even in hotel rooms! It gives one a sense of order and control in one's life and starts the day with a degree of discipline.

And recently, a university study showed that washing dishes significantly reduced one's stress and anxiety levels.

When I was 16, my mother gave me a book called "Judy's Book of Housework." This was a book that was given to her when she was about the same age. Of course, I was horrified. I had no interest in housework and no reason to believe it was useful to know about it. We feminists wanted to liberate ourselves from such petty concerns.

Judy's Book of Housework is just one in a series. While it feels old-fashioned, its advice is practical and sensible even now.

After laughing at my mother (as teenagers are apt to do) and the description of how to prepare for the chimney sweep, I re-read the chapter on making beds.

Best advice ever on making beds! Cleaning might cure cancer!

The most crucial piece of advice was this - when you get out of bed, open the windows, pull open your bed and let it cool down and release any moisture and heat that has built up in it during the night. If you have to dash off to work, let making your bed be the last thing you do before you leave. In the Judy book, she suggests making the bed after breakfast.

I was struck by the idea of opening up the windows and releasing all the tension and unfinished business of the day before and starting fresh. I still make beds like that today.

But here's the real point - a clean, tidy home will not just make you happier and more successful as Marie Kondo suggests - it will make you healthier. Older synthetics - plastics, polyesters, etc - break down and release toxins into the air. Furniture that is held together using glues or made of pressed board also begins to disintegrate. Cracks or holes in the walls hold dust and release miniscule amounts of paint and plaster into the air. Books and book bindings disintegrate. All of these affect your air quality and your health.

Whether it's Feng Shui or Vashtu, the Konmari method or simply interior design, the first rule is to reduce your possessions. The reason is this: the more stuff you have, the more surfaces and crevices to hold dust, animal and human hair, soot and fumes from car exhaust and factory smog. If you've had cancer, chemotherapy, another systemic or chronic illness, all of that junk in the air can make you sicker.

The fewer possessions filling your space makes cleaning easier. Thus you can stay away from toxic cleaning supplies - less Febreeze and air fresheners - more vinegar, soap, water and a good dust cloth.

I was always irritated that every time a Feng Shui practitioner came to my space because they told me to get rid of my books. Now that most of the books are in storage, I understand why. Unless you have a large enough space where clean, cool air can circulate freely around your possessions, you need to scale them back. Also, too many things block your physical movement around a space as well as limiting your mind's ability to wander and be creative. Many writers and artists prefer to face a blank wall rather than a window, as it allows their minds fill the space rather than distracting them.

If your things are disorganized, it's hard to find what you need, when you need it. Stuff gets lost. Things get broken or spoiled or stained or unusable and no one notices. If you've had chemo or chronic illness, you know how much your brain is taxed already. Reduced possessions, a well-organized space with no broken objects make the process of keeping track of stuff easier.

Last of all, if you believe in or are sensitive to energy, every object contains some energy of its previous owners - on a scientific level, it physically holds molecules of everyone who has ever touched it and it can affect your force field, too. (Sometimes, scrubbing it down with soap and water, scraping off any residue from its previous use and leaving it out in the sun to dry can change things - but this isn't always possible in cities).

My daughter always teased me that every time one visited the house of a healer or psychic, they were filled with little things - feathers, dream catchers, crystals, stones, souvenirs and talismans - and they were always dark and dusty. What I have noticed is that the most professional healers and intuitives I've worked with keep their "charms" to a minimum. They give things away quickly. This way, the energy keeps flowing and moving.

Here are my obstacles to the clean and de-clutter theory - if, for instance, you need a massive library of art and photobooks (like me) or vintage clothing (like the young stylist whose home we borrowed), you can't just get rid of it. Financial concerns make it hard to have a separate storage space. If you can't afford to fix the cracks in your walls or the peeling paint or leaking pipes, you're stuck.

And then, if like me, you had moments when you were broke, you might buy things in bulk - massive packages of paper towels or diapers or breakfast cereals. When I was a single mother of young kids with an unstable income and lunch boxes to fill every day, I was very nervous to buy small sizes of juice boxes or napkins, knowing that the day would come when everyone was late to school and we had run out of chips. I hesitated to give away clothes that one child had outgrown, thinking that it might fit the younger one in a year or so. I kept ski jackets in a variety of sizes and colors, snow boots, toys, shoes and sandals, old textbooks and backpacks, school supplies from the previous year. For any parent who's been short of money, you know the story. The zipper on the coat rips on the coldest day of the year. If there's not an extra in the back of the closet, how do you send your kid to school? It's hard to get rid of stuff because who knows if you will be able to afford a replacement.

Reducing your possessions to what you use immediately seems like an affluent, first-world idea. And some people think her ideas border on neurosis.

That said, if you have any illness or live in a small space, I believe now that de-cluttering is worth the emotional struggle.

First, the kind of food one buys in bulk is not the kind of food one should feed one's family. In fact, for your health, you are better off buying fresh fruits and vegetables in small quantities and using them immediately rather buying than massive boxes of chips and cookies that keep for a month.

Stuff that sits in the fridge or on your shelves loses nutritional value fast. Something as simple as a carton of orange juice loses all its vitamin C in a week! If it sits for long, even coffee, tea, spices and condiments get moldy - often before the mold is even visible. Consuming even miniscule amounts of mold can exacerbate illness and affect one's memory and immune system. Fungi can produce xenoestrogens and other hormones that affect weight gain and adrenal function. Even powerfully healing spices like turmeric, which don't get moldy, can emulsify the oils in their plastic bottles and bags while losing their potency and taste over time.

Personally, I found getting rid of stuff frightening. I was convinced that I needed exactly the thing I'd given away. I felt so weightless that I might lose my balance. Now that I am used to it, I feel so clear I don't know what I will do when all the stuff from storage comes back.

When my kid suddenly had a ski trip this winter, all the old ski clothes were gone! Having reduced my possessions, I insisted we not purchase new clothes. Instead, she found she could borrow most of what she needed. She returned it afterwards so it's not filling up our closets. (It does help that we live in a well-off community with plenty available).

Back to Gretchen Rubin -  "Outer order leads to inner calm." In the end, nothing will cure illness better than a calm, happy state of mind. Keep a few of the things you love. Give the rest away to someone who really needs them.

Cleaning is not just a chore, it is an act of self-love. As any Buddhist or Sufi will tell you, it is act of meditation. An opportunity to be mindful and conscious of your surroundings. It is a gift to yourself and your family. It's simple. You don't have to go all Martha Stewart on it.

Last of all -  open the windows and throw open your bed clothes for at least an hour before you make your bed - make sure you have clean and new sheets and bedding (throw away stuff with holes and leaking duvets or give them to someone who wants to cut them up and paint on them or something).

And MAKE YOUR BED! Every day. Even if you have a housekeeper, do it yourself. It will change your life.

Thanks, Mum (and Muriel Goaman, wherever you are).

By the way, if this is useful advice - or you'd like to add something, disagree, or read about something totally different - consider posting your thoughts below.

curtains: why i don't wear hijab

on one of these shimmering hot summer afternoons, i was standing outside the israeli coffee shop on the end of west broadway and franklin talking to a guy who was trying to get some shade under the scaffolding.

he said to me, "if you're a muslim, why are you wearing regular clothes?"

i said, "because i'm an american muslim."

he was just making conversation. wondering. not trying to be provocative or offensive. but it made me think.

i am a practicing american muslim woman.

i don't cover my hair (or face) nor do i feel the need to.

one disclaimer:

lots of bright, educated, independent women i know personally do cover. they do it, not because anyone is forcing them to, but because they believe it is important. since - from what i've read - the practice of headcovering comes from byzantine christian and early jewish practice, my friends who cover include muslims and jews of various stripes. 

as a muslim, what is forbidden is getting in the way anyone else's practice or connection with the Divine - unless, of course, it involves harming or oppressing others - so i only speak for myself here.

or the 57% of american muslim women who choose not to cover either.

there is no quranic obligation for women to cover their faces or their hair.

let me explain further. the word "hijab" in arabic means a "screen or curtain." in current usage, it refers to the veil or scarf that covers the head. in the vernacular, women who cover are called, "hijabis." (if they cover their heads while working their lashes, lips and hips to advantage, one of my favorite muslim stand-up comics, maysoon zayid, calls them "hojabis.")

most muslim women wear a ritual headcover in while performing their prayers, as a sign of reverence or respect for the sacred space or conversation. however, the majority of muslim women in the world do not wear a hair covering on a day-to-day basis. 

certainly, no one should be forced or feel pressured to cover, just as no one should be forced not to. for my sisters who are recent converts or reverts, wearing a headcover can make you feel like part of your new group, but it can also isolate you from your old friends. 

i agree that there's political and social value in the headcover as a statement of solidarity. as a child and a teenager, i wore a black armband when john lennon died and then an interview magazine t-shirt to mark the death of andy warhol. (yes, my causes were lightweight then but so was i).

in the years after september 11, when so many american muslims were frightened of identifying themselves, i proudly walked the streets wearing my "one more muslim for peace" t-shirt. i gave them to friends, i sold them online.

in my world of lower manhattan, wearing a scarf over one's head sets one apart. it's not a red flag, but a clear identifier, nonetheless. walking through soho the other day, i passed two singers: m.i.a. in a kuffiyeh and courtney love in her regular blond hair. everyone (even people who clearly didn't know who she was) was looking at m.i.a. while courtney walked by without turning any heads. (admittedly, m.i.a's very pretty, no matter what's on her hair but the headcover really made her stand out.)

the two Quranic verses most often used to describe the required dress for muslims of all genders suggest that we attempt to be modest. the goal is not to distract your fellow humans from their path or disconnect them from their relationship with Source. the verses come sura an-nur (chapter 24 in a traditional quran).* i'm using three translations here so that i am clear:

30: Tell the believing men to lower their eyes and guard their private parts. There is for them goodness in this. God is aware of what they do.

31: Tell the believing women to lower their eyes, guard their private parts and not display their charms except what is outwardly apparent and cover their bosoms with their veils not to show their finery…

translation by Ahmed Ali

30: Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and to be mindful of their chastity: this will be most conducive to their purity – [and] verily God is aware of all that they do.

31: And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and to be mindful of their chastity, and not to display their charms [in public] beyond what may [decently] be apparent thereof, hence let them draw their head coverings over their bosoms.

translation by Muhammed Asad

30: Tell the ones who believe to lower their sight and keep their private parts safe. That is purer for them, truly God is aware of what they craft.

31: Say to ones who are female believers to lower their sight, and keep their private parts safe, and not show their adornment, except what is manifest of it; and let them draw their head covering over their bosoms, and not show their adornments.

in recent times, the suggestion is that the Quranic "man" or "believer" refers to all muslims male and female. thus Laleh Bakhtiar's translation updates those references. hers is the first official translation by a woman.

in Muhammed Asad's brilliant footnotes he says that the code of dress is deliberately left vague so as to encompass all the cultural changes to come. if the Quran is to be seen as guide throughout the ages, then it must remain relevant and we shouldn't confuse cultural mores for religious duties.

clearly, flashing the breasts in public is not allowed for muslim women ever (apparently, it was common for women to go barechested in those times). but there is no suggestion that one should cover one's hair or face. 

instead, it's possible that women are being told to take that veil off their heads and put it over their chests. 

BOTH men and women are admonished not to look lustfully at their fellow humans. 

we are told to "lower our gaze" to avoid seeing anything that we shouldn't. in my understanding, that also means we are not meant to judge each other - for good or bad. our gaze carries our criticism and disapproval as well as our desire. perhaps the eyes are not the mirrors to the soul, but one of the ways the soul slips out to the dangers of the physical world.

if the headcover is cultural tradition, then it carries no moral weight. i'm not a better person or muslim for wearing a hijab, nor am i worse. (and there are those who would say that no hijab could have saved me from my wayward self. it's just a strip of cloth, after all.)

the great thing about living in today's layered, connected world is that we can choose the part or parts of the world's cultures that best fit our identities. we can all get hennaed hands or feet, or wear saris or skirts or t-shirts. we can choose what our tattoos mean and wear cowboy hats even to walk dogs in manhattan.

for me, i am a new yorker and that means dressing like one. which means sometimes a dress and sometimes a shalwar or a sari or jeans.

one morning at school drop-off, i told a muslim friend that, when my days got really busy, i prayed while i did my early morning laps. she was shocked.

"in your bathing suit? how do you cover your head?" 

i swim in a public pool so i am required to wear a swimming cap, but i answered, "God's seen the top of my head before." the respect comes from inside, from my focus and my remembrance, not from my scarf.

from my understanding of Islam, the goal is not to draw attention to myself, which i would do if i was the only person doing the crawl in a burkini in the college pool. i can only imagine how much attention i would draw on a crowded summer beach in a coat and hat. out in the world, as opposed to a house of worship, one is dressing for utility, not ritual. 

and what about the heat?

i was on a webchat discussing women and fitness and "modesty" recently. amongst the other participants was a jewish woman who had started a "modest" bathing suit company. one woman complained about all the stares she got on the beach when she tried to dress "modestly." 

i said something about "modesty" being a relative term and about making a statement and then wondering why people respond. the bathing suit woman disagreed, "[when you cover] you are dressing the way God wants you to. you aren't dressing for anyone else. so who cares if they stare?"

i disagree. in my understanding of Divine Love, you are adored in totality (including every inch of skin and flesh with or without adornment). all you have to do is love back - as well as loving and respecting your fellow creatures. on the other hand, what you do with this flesh is about your relationship with the material planet. how you help and inspire other beings in the world.

the next verses that are used to prescribe hijab come from later chapters in the Quran, especially sura al-azhab (chapter 33).

these verses have a clear historical context, thus they are less relevant in the life of a muslim woman today.

in verse 53, the new muslims are asked to address the wives of the Prophet (pbuh) from behind a curtain or screen, i.e., the "hijab," to maintain a degree of propriety. in other words, we should be especially respectful of the wives of the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) and keep a distance - to allow them their space and safety.

and in verse 59, muslim women are told to "draw your wraps about you so you will be recognized" and protected when out in the street. again, at that time, women of the new and burgeoning were often harrassed when abroad. thus, wearing a covering allowed them a degree of safety. 

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however, in both verses, whether it was a screen or a wrap, it was a kindness, an intercession for the women's comfort and ease. it was not an obligation or a duty for them. 

i saw a video on youtube where a young woman experiences her headcover as liberating her from the oppression of fashion and men's glances. her righteous self explains that fashion is just fitting into men's ideals. she's going to stop worrying about her appearance and start focusing on her soul. with a hijab on her head, she belongs to no one but herself. 

the flaw for me was that i do think one's appearance is important. partly out of respect for one's fellow human beings and partly for the pleasure of adornment. it is fun to get dressed up. and the people you get dressed up for are usually happy you made the effort. 

so let's get rid of that theory about fashion existing just to please men. if that were the case, we wouldn't be wearing balenciaga and dior. most fashion designers are gay men who turn us into pretty, elegant shapes but not man-magnets.  your girlfriends appreciate your chanel boots a million times more than the guys. when you hobble along in painfully tall alexander wang shoes, your self-inflicted punishment only pleases you and the men doing the books at the shoe company.

fashion is also blamed for causing anorexia and bulimia, and it is clear that those sharp pointy collar bones and ribs do nothing for the stimulation of most men.

on the other hand, i do believe there is an oversexualization of children. like this onesie printed with a bikini, i don't believe adult expectations should be imposed on children. if children are (correctly) not seen as sexual beings by adults, then why do we see two and three year-old girls with tiny head and body wraps? what do they have to hide or reveal?

i don't force my teenaged daughters to wear hijab (actually, i can't seem to force them to do much of anything these days). i have tried to instill a sense of respect for their bodies and the people around. i've tried to teach them to love and look after their bodies. that includes being conscious of the message your appearance projects. 

we can't pretend that appearance isn't important.

in the veil experiment, florida college students tried wearing a headcover on the street and found that they were ignored in shops and unrecognized by their friends and family. i am not sure that being treated as someone even less than human is the goal either. though that was an exercise in experiencing bigotry.

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the nature of being a writer means one is an exhibitionist. whether or not your work is autobiographical, you cannot write - especially not fiction - without exposing the mechanisms of your emotions and a bit of your soul. the details may be made up, but the spirit that embodies them, the breath that makes the story come to life is your own.

thus, perhaps, my choice not to wear a hijab is the thing that makes me quieter, makes my devotion intensely personal. it also makes my cultural choice (in this instance) closer to that of an everyday american. watching the posturing and absurd mudslinging in the current election, that's something that i don't always feel like i am.

re-reading this - here's one of the BEST discussions of hijab I have ever heard online. Thank you also to Samina Ali. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_J5bDhMP9lQ

*thank you to my mother, bibi meer, and my aunt, alia hogben (of the canadian muslim women's council) for their help in my research and support in my writing. i am so grateful for the powerful women around me who don't always (or often) agree with my stands but back me up nonetheless.