why the c-word?

i was at a holiday dinner party in the week between christmas and new year's eve.  it was a sparkling mix of brilliant people. everyone was jolly and rosy-cheeked from the cold and the company.

i turned to say something to the woman beside me and blanked out her name. so i said, "oh my god, i'm so sorry, it must be chemo brain!"

the hostess was an old friend who i absolutely adore for her bluntness and strong nature. she was looking very chic in a sort of tropical 60s' way. she said to me, "ameena - no cancer! this is a party! nothing depressing!"

i started laughing. "cancer isn't depressing! well, it shouldn't be."

oh wait. let's be honest, it is totally depressing when you first find out you have it.

it's horrid to have chemo and radiation and surgery. it's like any other illness or obstacle in the road. but the fact that it's possible to overcome it, to deal with it with grace and LIVE with it, is a powerfully positive thing.

also, the fact that cancer is an epidemic - that almost everyone i've ever met has a close friend or family member who's had one kind of cancer or another - means that we need to talk about it. we have to. imagine being ashamed of having the flu?

we have to bring it out in the open (and also talk about all the reasons why we are poisoning our environment and making ourselves sick).

i have two friends who've died of cancer in the last year. they were both so discreet about their struggle that i didn't even know they were sick til i got the invitations to their memorials. why wouldn't they talk about it?

because people are so scared of cancer, they might see you as a symbol of bad luck. one woman wrote about not wanting to tell people that she had cancer because she felt they wouldn't trust her afterwards. they might feel like she had gone to the dark side.  so she was very careful about how she divulged the information.

in my opinion, cancer cannot be - and must not be - voldemort (that villian in harry potter so evil he couldn't be named).

when i was having a chemo, a mom-friend of mine came over to visit with her daughter. she told me that in the late 60s, when her father got cancer, his friends just cut him off. for decades, they all used to have an annual summer barbeque together - maybe it was in the catskills, i can't remember - and when he got sick, they just didn't tell him or invite him.

she told me he was incredibly sad and hurt.

people were so scared of cancer that it was like the plague. they felt like it was contagious, that even acknowledging its existence, brought it closer.

in chinese medicine, they say that some kinds of cancer are the result of deep grief.

who knows if her father didn't die from a broken heart?

here's the most important thing i need to say:

cancer is not a death sentence.

it's really not. it's a chance to re-examine your life.
it's an opportunity to decide what you really want.
it's a reason to put yourself first for a little while.
it's a moment to reconnect with the people who matter to you.
it's a moment to get way healthier than you've ever been before.
it's also a way out, if you need one.

but whatever it is, it is not something you should go through alone.

cancer phase two

went to see my very calm and metaphysical oncologist. as is his style, he had me listen to a very soothing chant, "om nama narayani..." and he asked me when i was going to write about my cancer treatments. i talked about my frustration with my doctor at memorial sloan kettering, i told him about re-thinking chemotherapy. he prescribed MORE supplements ($185.00) to help with the nerve damage and suggested twice-weekly intravenous glutathione (about $500 per dose) to get my immune system back to normal.

it seems that my immune system is so damaged by the chemotherapy that my current condition would be analogous to someone who is HIV+ which he asked me if i was. fortunately, unless i got it from the blood transfusions, i'm not.

i told him my theory (and practice), "if i believe i am well, i will be."

he answered: "most spiritual teachers as well as psychologists would agree with you. your mind can change your body."

so i left, scheduled one appointment for glutathione (all i could dream of affording), bought more supplements - i am now gulping down multi-colored capsules like jellybeans - and went to meet a friend (who is surfing in costa rica, skiing in argentina and on her way to australia next) to absorb some of her radiating positivity.

when i walked back in the door of my apartment, my phone rang. it was the metaphysical oncologist's secretary. she said that my memorial sloan kettering oncologist called him. he can no longer treat me. he told his secretary to tell me that he misunderstood about the chemotherapy. he can't endorse something that deviates from the standard procedure. however, he recommends i see yet another oncologist, this one at columbia presbyterian up at 165th st.

i am totally confused. the metaphysical oncologist has just sold me upstream. i ask the secretary again, "are you sure? we had a very long conversation about it. how can there be a 'misunderstanding'?" is he just scared about malpractice suits? is it insurance?

phase two in cancer treatments is discovering that the doctors are more scared than you are. scared of getting blamed. scared of insurance companies. scared of malpractice or the embarassment of a patient dying unexpectedly. scared of losing stature or patients if the word gets out.

i pointed out to the chemo doctors that my cancer has a 95% cure rate but only 70% of people survive chemotherapy. they say, "I know, we've made such strides!"

70%

that is a C, as one of my friends pointed out.

at the moment, the things that seem to make me feel best are acupuncture, penney leyshon, pilates and cutting sugar and animal products out of my diet.

though i fell off the wagon today with a decaf cappuccino (2 sugars) basking in the spring sunlight with my neighbor purvi and KNOWING that i am well.

(it's possible the vitamins work, too, but i am taking so many i can't tell which is doing what. as the chemo leaves my body, i will let you know more.)