Saturday, January 29, 2011

memories

video

standing on the edge of last year, letting the memories drip into the beginning of this one.

what a year.

my thrilling news: i walked out of the pool and back to my locker and miracle! i remembered the combination of my lock.

yes, my short-term memory is slipping back in. little by little.

i am beginning to think clearly. beginning to remember how to work.

the amazons are acting out, but i think it's finally the relief giving way to all the pent-up fear and anger and pain of the past year.

on january 26, i found myself watching the demonstrations in egypt and crying. and crying. i am frightened of the violence getting out of control. i am frightened for what will happen when the government collapses. i am worried that revolutionaries often don't think things out.

i don't know why, miles away in new york, it feels so immediate. so real. so possible.

working on park51, i see how close the anger - even in this country - is to the surface. i read the blogs, the diatribes. i see the frustration with unemployment, the unceasing bill collectors, the banks, the unclear government policy. people complain that americans are unintellectual, they just want things simple.

and i get it.

i just want things simple. i want little things.

like most people everyday, here's what i think when i lie in the dark:

if i can just get sasha into college (and figure out how to pay for it), get the hole in my roof and the stairs fixed, my car rat-proofed and get caught up with my mortgage and all those medical bills...

will i be able to sleep peacefully at night, then?

(the insomnia's also part of the remains of the chemo)

will the rightwing fundamentalist tea partiers take over? or will the obama administration manage to get ahold of things. will we ever get medicial care for everyone? medical care that doesn't leave you buried in so many bills you wonder if you should have just tried to treat yourself?

but in the snowy mornings, i am smiling again, looking around and feeling very grateful. for heat, food in the refrigerator, electricity, a telephone and the internet. peaceful streets.

for being here.

is it better to be alive than dead? i don't know. but it does seem better for the amazons to have me here.


(and thank you thank thank thank you again to all my friends and family for all their help physically, financially, emotionally. you are the reason i keep body and soul together. )